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LOS ANGELES, CA — In a landmark ruling on Friday, the Los Angeles Demographic Regulation Committee on Human Population Review Board determined that Los Angeles is officially full. While stunned citizens soaked up the news, reactions were mixed. “Thank f-ing god” said one charming young woman from behind the wheel of her SUV, “we can’t fit everyone on the damn roads as it is, good riddance.” Others, were worried what that meant for entering and leaving LA County at one’s discretion. “Does this mean we like…totally…um….need a passport to travel to Ventura? Like, oh my god!” said one valley girl. The decision came after citizens were up in arms about population density and severe overcrowding. “These stupid wanna-be actors from cold places just move here in HERDS and don’t ever go back…not even for Thanksgiving. Ugh. It was ruining the roads, they were eating all our organic foods and even started to look like us,” he noted, pointing out that these foreigners were starting to bleach their hair and wear yoga pants like the LA natives. “Creepy,” he concluded.
Other areas of concern were the impending sushi shortage, gym overcrowding and that miniature dog breeders just could not keep up with demand. As every single person who has ever been in a car in Los Angeles will tell you, the county was just simply out of options. Regulations will be set in the coming months to determine who, if anyone, will be granted access. “If you live here now,” says the LA County Mayor, “you don’t have to leave…but if you did that would be helpful. I hear the Dakotas are nice this time of year.” Those from out-of-town who were planning on visiting family in Los Angeles were told to, “forget it, that’s what Skype is for.” In the future, considerations will be made to grant residence to individuals who are employed in a trade that might be scarce and therefore useful to the county. The mayor concluded, “If you are a personal trainer, actor (in air quotes), radio DJ, waiter, plastic surgeon, or tattooed guy who hangs out in Venice on a bike, please look for employment elsewhere because we are officially full.”