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UNIVERSAL CITY, CA — After engaging a consulting company to complete a ten-year study on Universal Studios, the Impact Your Theme Park! (IYTP!) consulting firm finally concluded this week that actually, nobody likes Universal Studios. “Apparently, it gets even worse,” said the IYTP! CEO who led the unnecessary decade-long study while pocketing fistfuls of cash. “Nobody ever liked them.” Residents were stopped on Hollywood Boulevard and asked to weigh-in on the findings. “Universal Studios is still there?” said one man who was out walking his miniature poodle. A group of young tourists from Nashville commented, “Us southern gals will go if we can have free tickets, y’all?”
Having spent 245% of their profits on the consulting firm, the theme park was left wondering what its future will hold. “We can’t compete with Mickey,” said the theme park manager. “Or the cupcake craze. What the hell is it with mini-cakes in this town? By the time tourists have spent $9 on a cupcake at every overpriced bakery they have nothing left to spend on park admission. What is WRONG with you people!?” Others blame a complex parking situation for the park’s failing. One Culver City resident noted, “You drive all the way to that CityWalk place and then you are directed through a maze of parking structures. By the time you park on level Z36, the day is over. You don’t even realize there is a theme park connected to the concrete jungle you just paid $35 to park in.” Back at the park the manager pondered his next steps, “We are thinking about just opening it up to the homeless and letting them ride around on the rides all day for free. Everyone deserves to catch a break once in a while.”