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ALHAMBRA, CA — Earlier today, some guy actually went to the Panda Express in Alhambra, CA to eat lunch. He strolled in like it was no big deal and ordered the latest special on the menu, “Samurai Surf & Turf,” a dish consisting of stir-fried steak and shrimp covered in some sweet glaze. When asked just exactly what he was thinking coming to Panda Express despite the plethora of more authentic Chinese food in the area, he said, “Sometimes you just need corporate-made food that tastes the same no matter which location you’re at. I had this same dish during my trip to Manhattan last year and it tasted exactly the same. That’s admirable. Sure, I could go get dumplings across the street, but who knows what that’ll taste like. Could be good, could be terrible. That’s not a risk I’m willing to take.” The man later revealed that he planned to visit the Taco Bell in Boyle Heights because “their tacos are also really consistent, albeit consistently thin and cardboard-like.”