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With yesterday’s 3.0 earthquake a few miles off the coast of Marina Del Rey, here are some tips on how to prepare for the next earthquake:
• Stock up on kim chi, as it’s a good source of nutrients and doesn’t spoil. Also, it’s stench helps keep stray animals away.
• Have an evacuation plan, which should not include the words “five,” “freeway,” and “Palmdale.”
• Make friends with your toothless neighbor because he probably owns a few illegal guns.
• Buy a rowboat as it may prove invaluable. Plus, you can tell everyone you own a rowboat.
• Find a way to stay calm, which should be easy since there’s most likely a marijuana dispensary just around the corner from wherever you are.
• Trust no one, not even your housekeeper, who you shouldn’t be trusting anyway. She has shifty eyes.
• Find the nearest taco truck and hijack it. Food and wheels? Now that’s just a good thing when the earth rips itself apart and lava spews forth.