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LOS ANGELES, CA — In a major academic coup, USC has hired two prominent UCLA neuroscientists to expand their department, as well as figure out what the hell is going through Lane Kiffin’s mind. The two neuroscientists, Arthur Toga and Paul Thompson, are excited by the challenges presented by this opportunity. “Being able to build a new program across town is really an opportunity of a lifetime,” Toga said. “And trying to figure out what the heck is going through Lane’s brain will be a real test of our ability.” Thompson added, “[Kiffin] will be the hardest subject we’ve ever researched.”
Kiffin, the embattled football coach who failed to meet expectations last year, was criticized for mismanagement of the team and poor play-calling, as well as poor public relations. Many Trojan fans last year were frustrated by Kiffin’s seeming irrational behavior, on and off the field. As one Trojan fan put it, “Watching Kiffin coach was so frustrating because his play-calling was terrible. I’m not sure what those two neuroscientists will find between his ears. Sometimes it seems like Kiffin doesn’t even have a brain.”