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LOS ANGELES, CA – Amid the bustle of election day, LA City’s electoral council made the executive decision to move all polling places to Starbucks because, well, otherwise nobody will vote. The decision was made after surveys showed that 0.1% of Angelinos cared about the mayoral election enough to actually find their polling place. “What polling place?” said a local man who has never voted in any election ever. “I can’t be bothered,” added one local housewife, “I have to drive my SUV to yoga, then to Pilates, then to the dermatologist for Botox, then back across town to see my plastic surgeon and pick my tiny dog up from doggy day care. When would I have time to go polling?” Helpful feedback like this is what finally encouraged city officials to decide to just leave ballots at Starbucks and let the little old ladies who staff polling locations drink hot chocolate all day. “Yum,” said Harriet while sorting ballots. Booths will be set up in line so that patrons will not have to waste one extra moment participating in the democratic process. “Yeah, uh, can I get uh, Frappuccino and yeah okay I vote for the lady,” said one city worker who was at Starbucks this morning. “It looks like our new system is working already,” concluded the electioneering chief.